Gap Year Experiences

How to Destroy Yourself Mentally, Physically and Financially - Tales of an Englishman in South Africa

Monday 1 December 2008

At the beginning of 2004, a good friend of ours, known to all as the Mule, embarked on a year studying at the University of Cape Town and generally working his way around South Africa. During his time there he kept a short diary and over the next few months he will be sharing a few experiences with us all...........so enjoy!






Since the idea of coming to Cape Town first came into my head I'd always dreamt of owning a VW Camper Van to cruise around in - images involving surf trips with cheeky South African ladies played a significant part in my desperate search for a van.

After a lot of phoning around in the "Cape Ads", I finally stumbled across what seemed like an incredible deal - "1980 VW Panel Van in good condition. Blue. With roadworthy certificate. R16,000 ono. Phone ......."

As was usually the case when phoning these guys I couldn't understand more than a handleful of words. It was a peculiar, Broken English with, what i would late discover was, a coloured accent. This was originally associated with people that grew up in the Cape Flats, a very poor suburb of Cape Town with very high levels of crime. After a few conversations I pieced together that he was from Kraifontien which didn't mean anything to me. My mates, as soon as I mentioned the name, broke down in hysterics telling me that it was a ridiculously dodgy area of the Northern suburbs.

After a pretty painful conversation we somehow managed to arrange a meeting. He arrived at my house in Mowbray the following evening. My first impression to be honest was - dodgy looking character - he was a short coloured guy with a moustache and glasses. An old woman then appeared in the passenger window with a very creapy smile. After a couple of minutes the window went down and a horrific screach was heard, "It's a very good deal I can assure you - my son's selling it to you very cheap"! He took me for a short drive around the block and everything seemed ok although the engine was pretty loud! I knew close to nothing about vans, or even cars for that matter, having had a 1 litre VW Polo in the UK that never went wrong.

He reluctantly agreed to take it with me for an AA test - I thought it was probably worth spending R500 for a thorough vehicle inspection to make sure that this guy wasn't taking me for a ride. Being a member of the AA in the UK I thought they'd be fairly reliable. The guy checked it out and apart from a few minor problems such as tyre wear he said it was "fine and a good deal". I eventually got him down to R13,000 thinking I'd got an absolute steal! With a surge of excitement I immediately installed a sound system and a pair of 6x9 speakers, curtains and started planning trips.

Licencing a vehicle in South Africa is something I would not wish upon anyone. It involved waiting in a queue for approximately 4 1/2 hours whilst the most incompetent staff tried to type information into computers and communicate with customers.

2 days later whilst on the way to the beach with a friend called Uncle Snapper and singing along to the Chili Peppers I suddenly heard a massive crash from the back where the engine is - then all the power was lost and I ground to a halt in the middle of a cliff top road overlooking Clifton 4th Beach - an exclusive area heaving with young mothers keeping in shape! They ran past with a look of confusion and disgust!

After getting it towed back to my house in Mowbray I was once again without wheels. Jeeves gave me the number of one of his best mates' brother called Nick Harris who was a mechanic. He arrived the next day in a very slick Audi with an unbelievably attractive girl in the passenger seat. He walked towards the Punisher with a frown and, within 10 seconds of looking underneath, started laughing and explained how the engine had literally fallen out of the van and was basically lying on the road.

He also explained that it had a Ford V6 tractor engine installed which went some way into explaining the high powered chain saw that accompanied my music. He said he'd rather die than work on modified vans but agreed to help me out.

R3000 later and after a thorough inspection Nick told me a million things that were wrong with it and advised me to get rid of it as soon as possible! The tool from Kraifontien had taken me to the industrial dry cleaners and was now laughing all the way to the bank. Apart from the fact that I was now back to square one and reliant once again on Jeeves and his taxi service I also had to endure the familar sound of my Dad, "you are a prat - what a sucker"! My friends found the whole fiasco seriously amusing so at least I provided some entertainment in the Western Cape - it took a while to see the funny side.

About 2 months went by with numerous breakdowns where Nick would come to my rescue and numerous phone calls from inbreds from just about every dodgy suburb of Cape Town interested in the purchase. Eventually a relatively normal sounding guy phoned from up the coast. By now I was trying desperately to flog it for R8000. I met him at a garage and he seemed impressed and agreed to buy it. I offered to drive him back to my road in Mowbray to get the papers and show him how to operate the gears. As we turned the final corner into my road a loud hissing sound was heard from behind - as we both turned around all that could be seen was billowing, thick, black smoke. Just like a 1950's comedy script he looked back at me and said "I'll call you!".